I'm going to get ass raped by a chinchilla

Jen likes it in the poopah

Ray needs to shove the mike up his ass, and give the gerbils something to play with.

I love Jen's boobage.

At this moment there are 6,720,785,519 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one.

Up and down, left or right. Through a loop or a in straight line. Either way my emotions are wrecked. Lately I go from being exceedingly happy, to piss poor down in the dirt. I don't know why I get my hopes up, thinking one thing, and doing another. I believe and trust too easily, these days. When all it does it get me hurt, time after time. When all it does is put me in a worse mood. I don't know who I am anymore.

Look at me, did I grow up according to planned? --

I'm missing you too often lately, and I don't know why. You aren't there, and we don't talk, but I can't seem to let you go. I want to let go, and I want it to be done. There are so many memories, but the bad out weigh the good.

I listen to songs that remind me of you. I miss you so much, and I am not sure why. I know you don't miss me. I know you don't think of me on a daily basis. Like you said, kids call their parents. Can you hear me when I talk to you? I sit and talk to you, as if you can hear me. I say what I need to say, things I could never say to your face.

The last night I was in Virginia, and you and I were talking. You said that you didn't lose anything when you left San Diego, and I told you that you lost something. You asked me what, and I started crying. You kept repeating yourself over and over "Staci, what did I lose? Staci, what did I lose?" And I didn't answer you. You finally get frustrated and stop asking. And said "You had your chance to tell me what was bothering you, and you didn't. Don't bring it up again."

Why would you say something like that? You know that we're not happy with each other. You know there are things about me that bother you, and you're aware of some things about you, that bother me. When you left San Diego, you lost your family. Obviously that doesn't matter to you anymore. I don't like you, I told you that for years ago.

I am brave when I talk about you, and a scared little girl, when I talk to you. I don't know why I am so frightened by you. I took all my anger and hurt out on mom when I was growing up. I beat her up because of you. Because I needed you to be there. We all did. We all needed you, we needed more than the money you offered. We wanted your love, we wanted to know that you cared. You showed that you didn't care for us, the first time you started messing around.

Mom said you stopped being a father and a husband 18 years ago. Do you know what happened 18 years ago? Do you even care? Papa died. The man that you looked up to. He was the reason you liked Ohio. You know things would of been different if he were still alive, you wouldn't be the way you are now. You would still be happy. We would of moved back here, years ago. We would of had all that we wanted, and we would of had the perfect life. We would of had the house in Levana. Instead when Papa died, you lost hope. You weren't happy anymore, because you felt you had no one to prove yourself to. When you gave up, mom gave up.

You shouldn't of given up. You always thought mom was messing around on you. You thought she was messing around with Allan, and that was the reason Scott bashed in his windshield in front of Mama's house. You were dead set on it. You always said "Scott wouldn't of bashed the windshield if nothing were going on". You were wrong.

Get out of my head. Get out of my dream. Be a man, and be a father. Stop thinking of yourself, and be who you signed up to be.

I know you told me I didn't do anything wrong, and that things were okay, but I still feel I did something. That something has changed. And I have a feeling it has a lot to do with me not wanting to do things on cam. I am not comfortable, and it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable. Like I told you, if you got to know me, you'd know why I act the way I do. I don't have much respect or trust for a man, because of my father. My father never wanted me. He neglected me for years. So for a man to actually want something to do with me, it scares me. And I tend to push it away. I know I tease, and I flirt, and act a certain way, but when it all comes down to it, I'm not the girl that I show on the outside. Obviously. I don't really know what to say, and we don't exactly know each other, but I thought I'd let you know a little bit about me. It takes a lot for a guy to prove himself to me, most aren't up for the challenge, and like I told you the other night, something was different with you. And I hope I wasn't wrong..

It is so amazing to see how much has changed over the years. How happiness and sadness has changed. How deceiving and conniving people can be. How they have been. How times change, and how people change. How one thing that made you happy, no longer makes you happy. How love grows, and love fades. Friendships grow, and friendships end. How little problems evolve into bigger problems. How big problems in the end were okay.

I used to write all the time. I used to write everyday, several times a day. It was my time to vent and release. Now I only write when I am angry, sad or hurt. I don't write when I am happy anymore. I don't know where to start. I have failed myself, and my family. I haven't done anything successful in a long time. I am the girl I was in San Diego, who promised a change, and hasn't done anything. I am this lost little girl, who doesn't want to do anything. Who is losing the fight that she's always put up.

My mother is disappointed in me, and doesn't like the girl I have became. I know I didn't grow up how she planned I would. I fight and scream with her still. I am jealous of who she is, and who she has became. When she was my age, she was married, and happy. Though her happiness didn't last. She was happy. She is happy. She has someone who loves her. Who she loves. Who makes her feel special, and worthy. I have no one. I am not happy. No where near it. I don't even have my mother. She says she is here, but I have to fight and beg for her attention, just to see her for 15 minutes. I know she wants me to grow up, and not need her so much. Not be dependent on her. I am 20 years old, and I don't act it.

I want to be happy, rather than putting on a fake smile, and acting like I am. I want someone to make me feel loved, and wanted. Who wants to love me, and be around me. I am tired of doing the same things, day after day. I want something new, I want a challenge and I want a fight. I want to see something outside of these four walls.

I see your face.
Your voice it haunts me.
I sleep, and dream of you.
My heart aches with overwhelming hurt.

I hate thinking of you.
I hate crying for you.
I hate wondering if you still care.
I hate wanting to hear your voice.
I hate acting like a little girl.
I hate that I pray for you more than I pray for myself.
I hate worrying.
I hate that I still care, want and need.
I hate hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Welcome to the agony, welcome to hurt. It hurts everyday. It hurts right now. I don't sleep, because I hate dreaming, but I wish everyday were a dream. Upon waking up that it was just a horrible dream. And you'd still be there. All I hear is "I love you"; your voice is in my head. Stupid words, and stupid me. Jealousy overcame me. I need to change. I don't want to be this girl anymore. The little girl; I am her again. I did change. I wasn't her, but she is back. Only ten times worse. I am the girl I hated years ago. And I don't know how to get rid of her. My phone rings, hoping you'd be on the other end of it. Instead you aren't. This is it, this is now. I need to accept it for what it is, instead of what it was. What it was is behind us; what it was will never be. Maybe you're right, maybe I am crazy. Why did Lisa have to die? She knew I needed her, she knew I wasn't better. She knew I wasn't happy. I now understand why people blow their brains out. When they've finally given up, and everyday is just another day. Nothing exciting, nothing worth while. It all makes sense. People always leave or Staci always drives them away.



I hate crying, thinking, caring, feeling, worrying, missing, hoping, for things to be different. I'm done, I'm letting go. I can't hold on, and I can't keep wanting.

This is it, this is now, and I'm done.

My name is Staci and I live in Cincinnati. I am a girl. I am a woman. I am a poet, a writer, and an artist. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover and a fighter. I am proud to be an Auntie, and a grand-daughter. I am someones ex-girlfriend, and someones future. I may mean the world to someone, but to the world I am nothing. I reach for the stars. I get my hopes up, just to get them shoved down my throat. I open my mouth when I shouldn't. I am obnoxious, and loud. I am spontaneous, manipulative, and a liar at times. I make a fool of myself, and the same mistakes over and over.

I've lived with my eyes closed and I've experienced things first hand. I've snuck in and out of my house and people's lives. I've left lasting impressions on people's hearts and minds, and already been forgotten by people who have met me. I forget, and I remember. I don't forgive. I regret the things I do, and have done, daily. I let little things get to me, when I should blow them off. I smile, I laugh, I hurt I cry, I giggle, and after all, I am starting to feel again.

I have hurt people to the very core and had my world torn to pieces. I've given my all and had everything ripped away. I've learned that change is very possible. I've surprised people; even myself. I've hit one person and begged for their forgiveness. I've been hit and begged for their forgiveness, as well. I've been afraid and stood up to my fears. I've had boyfriends, friends, enemies, and family members. I've lived out of state. I've been a friend and I've been a bitch. I've gone out on a limb, just to make someone smile. I put others before myself. I do things for people, without wanting something in return. I am careless, and selfless, and I have a really big heart.

It's easy for me to hate but it's not worth the effort. I smile when I am down, and I cry when I am happy. I get mad, easily, and it's hard for me to be happy. I've lost money, I've lost time, I've lost weight, I've lost family members, I've lost friends, I've lost myself, I've lost my virginity, I've lost my temper, and my purse. And through it all I've gained experience. Death isn't the only thing that has taken people from me, but each time a piece of me dies. I miss who I was, I miss who I knew. I'm different than who I used to be, and always changing. I want to move forward and stop looking back.

The past is done and the future keeps coming. I'm not the person I want to be, and I'm not the person I could be, but at least I'm not the person I used to be. Today I remember to be thankful for what I have, before time forces me to be thankful for what I had.

--

I am not skinny. I believe that a woman with meat on her bones is far more beautiful than a woman who doesn't. I do not have any desire what so ever to be skinny, I am absolutely happy with the way my body looks, and the way I look to an entirety. Society has made it so hard to be who you are on the inside, without having worry about your appearance. I don't what so ever care what a person looks like on the outside, I mean to an extent you have to, but like they say you can't judge a book by it's cover.

I don't want someone constantly saying I'm beautiful or hot or sexy. I want someone who will fight with me. Tell me he hates me&acts like he's crying just so I will kiss him. I want someone who will make fun of me, invite me to do things with him&his friends, and doesn't always do everything I say. I don't want the "perfect guy" to every other girl. I want my perfect guy. The one who is no where near perfect&knows I'm not either, but loves me anyways.

--

I know what I want to do, but it's the means of being able to do it. I'd love to have my own Studio/Childcare some day, I just have to kick myself in the butt to get into college and do it.

I was in Photography for four years in High School, and I absolutely adore it. Though I don't have any children of my own, I have raised three. Even if I didn't have them full time, I still took them in as my own, and I know the children they are now, is some reflection of me.

I am a huge Ohio State buff. I am one to dress from head to toe in Scarlet and Gray, on every Saturday during football season. My boys might choke when it comes to the big games, but I will still support them until I am blue in the face! Or not blue, because that makes me think of Michigan! I loathe MofU! So if you're all for the blue, I'm not for you!!

--

Music: 36 Crazyfists, 311, A Fine Frenzy, A Perfect Circle, Agents Of Man, All That Remains, Amon Amarth, Arch Enemy, As I lay Dying, Atreyu, Automatic Love Letter, Blank Theory, Bullet For My Valentine, Chevelle, Children Of Bodom, Chimaira, Cold, Cryptopsy, Darkane, Darkest Hour, Deftones, Demon Hunter, Despised Icon, DevilDriver, Diecast, Diecast, Dimmu Borgir, Disturbed, Dream Theater, Drowning Pool, E. Town Concrete, Eighteen Visions, Endo, Evanescence, Eyes Of Fire, Fear Factory, Flyleaf, Glassjaw, God Forbid, Godsmack, Hatebreed, Hypocrisy, Ill Niño, Illegal Substance, In Flames*, In This Moment, Incubus, Jack, Jimmy Eat World, Johnson, Killswitch Engage, Korn, Lacuna Coil, Lamb Of God, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Manntis, Meshuggah, Mix Mob, Mnemic, Motograter, Mudvayne, Muse, Nevermore, Nightwish, Old Man's Child. Opeth, Orgy, Otep, Pantera, Papa Roach, Poison The Well, Rammstein, Seether, Sevendust, Shadows Fall, Slayer, Soilwork, Spineshank, Staind, Static-X, Strapping Young Lad, Sworn Enemy, System Of A Down, Taproot, Tesla, The Agony Scene, The Bleed The Sky, Three Days Grace, Tool, Trapt, Trivium, Unearth, Walls Of Jericho

Movies: RENT, The Phantom of the Opera, Shakespeare in Love, The Perfect Man, A Walk To Remember, The Goonies, Raise Your Voice, The Devils Rejects, Saw 1-4, Brokeback Moutain, Coach Carter, Derailed, Hostel 1-2, The Amityville Horror, The Holiday.

Television: Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Samantha Who?, Pushing Daisy's, Notes From The Underbelly One Tree Hill, Secret Life of An American Teenager.

Books: Secret Life of Brett Colton, A Child Called 'It', The Lost Boy, A Man Named Dave, The Taming of the Shrew, One Child, Gossip Girl collection.

--

I Like..

Buttholes.
-No, I don't like anal.
Girls.
-99% of the time.
Music that yells at me.
Being alone.
To stare at ugly babies.
-You know the ones that are so ugly, they're cute? Those ones!
Photography.
My computer.
-I hate having to share it. It annoys me, and I tend to watch people like a hawk, while they're on it.

--

I Don't..

Like silence.
-It gives me bad dreams.
Like going days without talking to someone. And having that person come back, thinking everything is going to be okay.
Like armpits.
Miss people.
-There is one person I miss, and I can't touch him, or see him.
Care what people think.
-If you don't like me, don't waste your time telling me.
Like feet.
Like windows.
Like when people spare my feelings.
-I'd rather them tell me how it is, instead of worrying about hurting my feelings. There are other things that can hurt just as much, or worse than something you might say. I don't sugar coat, I don't expect you to.
Like spiders.
-Wait, I don't like bugs of any sort.
Like a lot of people.
Talk to my father.

--

My Flaws..

I try not to trust.
-I don't like when people worry about me.
I smoke.
-Like a chimney.
I tend to push people who mean something to me away.
I don't let people in too close.
I hold on to the past. I don't look forward to tomorrow, or the day after. I live in the past.
-There are things I'll take to my grave.
I have more enemies, than best friends.
There are things about me, you may never know.
-I am not a bad person, I don't have many secrets, but I don't like people being so close to me, they can tell what I am thinking. There is only one person who knows me that well. I hate her for it.
I don't open up, and I don't talk about my problems.
I wear too much make-up.
I hate being asked the same questions over and over.
-No, I am not okay, stop asking it isn't going to change!
I still act like a little girl.
-I run my mouth, and hold onto stupid things. I lose friends, and lovers over the things I can't get over.

--

Plus..

I have been celibate for 3 years.
-No, it isn't because I can't find someone to have sex with. I just don't want it.
I am Mormon.
-I converted when I turned 17.
I want to get married.
-This is the only thing that keeps me from being a lesbian. I want children, and I want to spend the rest of my days with the man that gives me children. I could just as easy get a sperm donor, or do artificial insemination, but I don't want my kid to go looking for the man that fathered them.


--

I have probably one of the sassiest atttiudes you will ever meet. Though I have one of the biggest hearts in the world. I am a neat freak, a perfectionist&anal retentive. I am a grammar freak, and with me, everything has to be perfect to my liking, or it will drive me insane. Ever find yourself picking lint off of a complete stranger? OCD much? Yes, much. I have had a rough past, and many things today still remind me of it. I don't talk much about my past, because I don't like the person I was, but if it is brought up, than I will talk about it.

I have grown to realize that I am deathly terrified of "War". It is a really touchy subject for me, and seems to hurt me a lot, and make me cry, much. I hate crying, but when it comes to thinking of what might happen, I can't help but cry. I think about it everyday, and it breaks my heart everyday. No one deserves to lose their life, even if it is doing something they love.

I am nothing to be jealous of. Why would anyone be jealous of a head strong person who knows what she wants in life, who is just waiting for someone to come along and be the person that completes her. Why would anyone be jealous of someone who has built a wall, so big and strong, that has the strongest material known to man? I don't get it, I know I am not ugly, I know I have a hell of an attitude, but I mean when I am into someone, I am into them, and I get all about them. I know I may not give many people that time of day, but I do give it to some.

--

Judging someone does not better yourself, nor does it make you better than the next person. It does not make you pretty, nor does it make you skinny. God is the ultimate judge, all people are to be judged fairly. Which by whom are not judged by their appearance, but by the way they lived their life. Judging a book by it's cover, is like judging a person, without knowing them. You never know, you might like the book, if it give a chance. Same goes with a person.

I am nothing special, nor do I try to be someone I am not. I am just another person that walks this earth, whom in an instant could be gone unexpected. I live life to the fullest, and never take it for granted, because we never know when life will deal us the wrong cards. All we can hope for is a "draw" to keep living, and hope we never have to "fold". I am witty and sarcastic, and live for having a good time. I know who I am, do you?

My best friend Chris, all of the sudden hates me, won't hear me out, and won't give me a reason why he is mad with me. He assumes I know, and the only thing he can really say to me is "Fuck off, Staci." And that only makes me want to talk to him more. I want to know what I did, and I want things to go back to the way they used to be. It has been a little over a month since he stopped speaking to me. And I was dealing with it pretty well, but lately it has been hard, and I just want him back in my life, which he isn't completely out of my life. I can deal with anyone being mad at me, but when it comes to him, it's like losing a piece to a puzzle.

He hurts me to my heart. I feel so much for him, and I am really going insane without him. He was the one person I could depend on to hear me out, and make things right. Lately he has been going through a big break-up, and got really depressed and kind of cut me off from being in his life. He started talking to a friend of mine, Angela. And spoke to her more, about the situation that he is going through with Liz. As if I don't know where he is coming from, and what pain he is feeling. I get it, Angela is older, and probably more experienced, but I am still supposed to be his friend. I went to see Angela in Chicago, back in June, and it was horrible. I had a great time, but I didn't know how much she really spoke to Chris until I got there.

He called her day and night, just like he did me. Only they had conversations that I felt guilty about being in the same room, because I didn't want to hear something I wasn't supposed to. Angela and Chris have this sort of crush on each other, but would never pursue it, because Angela's heart belongs to her boyfriend, and Chris' heart belongs to Liz. It broke my heart the first night that I got there, Chris called Angela and he was totally smashed. He was so drunk. And Chris said to Angela "Be glad! Your best friend will be there tomorrow!" And Angela said "She is already here." And she put it on speaker phone, and I said "Yeah!!! I got here tonight. Hi, BFF! I love you." And he said "No one cares what you have to say Staci, STFU." I was so hurt, I started crying, and walked out of the room. Even before I went to see Angela he had this obscene attitude with me, I didn't know where it was coming from.

I tried to talk to him the other night, I told him I was sorry, and I know that it wouldn't change anything, and again he said "Fuck off, Staci.". I threw a really big tantrum when I was at Angela's house, because he wouldn't talk to me. I started yelling and screaming, and carrying on like a mad person, and he heard me in the background. And I talked to him that night, and he didn't even want to talk to me, then. He really just wanted to see what my problem was.

Angela and I went up to Carl, and Mel's in Michigan for the night, and on the way up there, she and I had a heart to heart talk about Chris. And I told her how much it was truly bothering me that Chris wasn't talking to me. He called her on the way up there, and she told him that he needed to call me, because I needed to talk to him, and he said he would call me sometime that night, and never did. He was out drinking, and when he got home he passed out. We got to Carl's house, and Angela and I called him non-stop until he answered his phone, and he heard that it was me on the phone, and he hung up on me.

I started crying when Angela and I were in the car, when were headed to Michigan. I can't help but cry when I think about Chris, because he means that much to me. I put him on a completely different level, higher than anyone else. Higher than my parents. Angela is also a really good friend of mine, she is on that level, also. Chris knows things about me, that no one does, except Angela, and she knows that from the conversation we had in the car.

When I got home from Angela's, I tried to talk to Chris, and he said "I don't appreciate the way you were acting at Angela's house. I would of smacked you. I am sorry if I don't kiss your ass, and worship the ground you walk on, Staci, but I am going to have to tell you to fuck off. Angela did you favors, and all you could do was talk shit, and complain that you were bored. You spoiled little bitch." First of all, yes Angela did me favors when I was there. She bought me things, and took me out and about. I told her she didn't have to do anything for me, that I didn't want her to spend money on me, but she insisted, and did it because she wanted to. I thanked her, I don't know how many times, multiple times a day, and thanked her even when she hadn't done anything.

When I went to Chicago, I wasn't expecting to do anything, I knew Angela had to work the whole time I was there, and I knew that I wouldn't of done a whole lot when I was there. It was an escape from the reality at home. I was an escape from the constant bickering my mother does. It gave me time to clear my head, and it gave me a time to relax. I am glad I went to Angela's. She is a great woman, and I admire her. She means as much to me as Chris does, and without her I don't know what I'd do, and I've already lost Chris.

When I was talking to him the other night, I tried to get him to give me reasoning on what I did, and why he was so angry with me. I told him that the only thing I could think of that I did was the tantrum I threw at Angela's. And he said "I have a low tolerance for stupid shit, childish behavior and people stirring up shit, and you fit under all those." I understand that I am childish, but I don't stir up stuff just to cause a fight. If I disagree with someone, or something, or I feel that something is wrong, I am going to speak up about it. If that is stirring up trouble, then I guess I do fall under that category. I told him that I was sorry, and that I can't do much about the way I was. And that I could try to change until I was blue in the face, and it would make no difference. And he smarted off to me. I kept trying to get him to talk to me and he told me to give up.

I went on with saying that I can't not be his friend, and that it hurts me just to think about it. And told him that I'd do as he wished and leave him alone. Even though I didn't want to. And I told him bye.


I really don't know what I am going to do with myself, I am falling apart, inside and out. I can't even cry anymore, the only thing I can do is think about what is going on. I can't even talk to Angela anymore, because I don't know what to say to her. I kind of hold some of it against her, and I am jealous of her, because Chris was my best friend, first, and I was the reason they met. I don't regret them meeting, it was good for the both of them. And I wanted them both in my life. I still do, I just don't how do deal with this. Wish me Luck.